Should We Tell You?

Should We Tell You?

The first part of my work with any leadership team is Leader Interviews. One-on-one conversations with each member. In a school district I recently started working with, that meant every Board Member and every Cabinet Member.

Three Cabinet Members, in three separate conversations, shared the same worry about the new school opening planned for the fall.

I asked each of them the same question. “What have you said to the Superintendent?”

Each answer was a little different, but they all meant the same thing. None of them had told him.

When I asked why, their reasons sounded alike too. “He’s already announced it.” “He doesn’t like problems without solutions.” “It’s not really my area.”

Every one of those reasons made sense. And every one of them pointed back to the leader.

When I shared the themes from the Leader Interviews, the Superintendent went quiet. Then he asked me, “Why am I hearing this from you?”

We learned communication backwards.

Every communication course I’ve sat through, and much of my own work, has focused on the message going out. Know your audience. Say it clearly. Say it again. I’ve spent a good part of my career helping leaders say things better and helping leadership teams communicate in aligned ways.

For most of those years, I neglected the other direction. The communication that matters most on a team is the one coming toward the leader. What people choose to tell you, how early, and how honestly.

The surprising part is how much you shape that every day, usually without noticing.

Researchers have studied this for more than fifty years. In 1970, psychologists Sidney Rosen and Abraham Tesser named it the MUM effect: people are reluctant to deliver bad news, even when the news has nothing to do with them. Staying quiet is the default. Speaking up takes a reason.

James Detert and Ethan Burris found that people speak up when they believe their manager is open to hearing it. At NYU, Frances Milliken and Elizabeth Morrison found that 85% of professionals they interviewed had held back a concern from their boss. Most worried about how they would be seen, or what it would do to the relationship.

The three Cabinet Members were no different. They stayed quiet because of how they expected the Superintendent to react.

When you’re the leader, you don’t see the conversation that didn’t happen. A quiet team just feels like things are going well. That’s where the Superintendent and I started. We spent less time on what he wanted to say to his Cabinet and more time on what he needed to hear from them.

We worked on three things together. I call it A.S.K.

Ask specifically. “Any questions?” gets silence. “What worries you most about the new school opening, even if it’s outside your area?” gets an answer. A vague question tells people you want reassurance. A specific one tells them you want the truth.

Stay curious. The moment someone brings you a concern, they’re watching your face. Before you solve it, before you ask who, get curious. “Tell me more.” “What else are you seeing?” Curiosity tells them they did the right thing.

Keep it visible. Go back to the person who spoke up. Tell them what happened because they did. Then say it in front of the whole team. “Lisa brought up the timeline. We changed it because she did.” When people see a concern actually go somewhere, they bring you the next one sooner.

Chances are, someone on your team knows something that could change one of your plans. They’ve thought about telling you, but they’re not sure it’s worth it.

Most of us have spent years developing our side of communication. How we speak, how we present, how we get our message across. The other side develops more slowly. It gets built every time someone brings you something hard and watches what you do next.

A good place to start is self awareness. Self awareness is NOT about what people think of you. It’s noticing how your behavior shapes what other people are willing to say to you. Who on your team brings you hard news most often? Who brings you the least? What have they learned from watching you respond?

Then pick one person and practice A.S.K. with them. The first conversation may not change much. The third or fourth usually does.

Your team is always communicating. Some of it just never makes it to you.

What do you need to hear from your team that you’re not hearing?

At Warrick, we often say you can’t read the label from inside the bottle. [Link to our other article: Can’t Read the Label from the Inside] Your team sees how you react, but it’s hard to see it yourself. That’s where a Leadership Coach can help. DM the word ASK to Warrick, and let’s start that work.