A general manager of a large organization recently told me, “I need to learn how to manage my tongue; I tend to talk too much.”
I was impressed by his honesty. “What’s underneath this?” I asked.
He paused, thinking deeply. Finally, he said, “I think I want people to think I’m important. I talk a lot because I need to feel valid.”
That was significant. He had just named a truth many of us rarely acknowledge: sometimes, our behaviors at work aren’t about the work—they’re about us.
As leaders, this matters. When we seek validation from our teams or colleagues, we unconsciously make interactions about us instead of them. The need to feel important can lead to over-talking, micromanaging, or undervaluing the input of others—all of which can undermine trust and collaboration.
I asked him, “Who else in your life can meet this need in a healthy way?”
He thought for a moment, then said, “My wife and my friends.”
“What will you do?” I asked.
With remarkable clarity, he outlined three next steps to nurture those relationships, build a stronger sense of self, and find validation outside of work. He was so excited—energized, even—by the possibilities.
Here’s the leadership takeaway:
Great leaders don’t look to their teams to meet their personal needs. They create space for others to shine because they’ve already found their validation elsewhere.
When leaders know their worth and have healthy relationships outside of work, they lead with freedom and authenticity. They don’t need to dominate conversations or prove their importance—they can focus on empowering others.
So, what about you?
- Where do you find validation?
- Are you looking to your work to fill a need that could be met in a healthier way?
- Who in your life can support you outside of work?
Leadership isn’t just about strategies or decisions. It’s about who you are and how you show up for others. When you stop seeking validation at work and start building it in the right places, you don’t just grow personally—you help others grow too.