What gets in the way of you listening?
I asked a group of executives. “What stops you from being fully present and focused on the person you’re with?”
Their answers were honest and familiar:
- Wondering what time it is.
- Thinking about what I’m going to say next.
- Relating what the person is saying to me.
- Deciding if what they’re saying is right or wrong.
- Planning the next thing on my schedule.
- People watching.
Then, a man in his fifties said something that stopped the room:
“Me. I get in the way of listening to people.”
It’s true for most of us, isn’t it? So much happens in our minds when others are talking, but little of it has to do with what they’re actually saying. It’s just how our minds work. We associate everything we hear with what we already know, filing even new ideas into old categories.
And that’s the problem.
I remember my first coaching class in graduate school. My instructor looked me in the eye and said, “James, you have to stop trying to understand what the other person is saying.”
“What?” I thought. “What’s wrong with understanding? Isn’t that how I relate to people?”
I sat in that class, disoriented, practice after practice trying to listen without focusing on understanding. It felt awkward, even counterproductive.
But over time, I learned something that changed the way I listen: Understanding is about me. It’s about what I get out of the conversation. It centers my experience, my knowledge, my perspective.
Listening—true listening—isn’t about me. It’s about the other person.
When we stop trying to fit what someone else is saying into our framework, we create space for something new. When we listen for their sake, we step beyond ourselves and begin participating in their growth.
So, what can you do?
In your next conversation:
- Stop thinking about yourself or planning what to say next.
- Don’t worry about agreeing or disagreeing with what’s being said.
- Let go of trying to understand.
Instead, just be there. Give them space to talk. Focus on them—not just their words, but who they are.
Listen for their new thought.
Listen for their excitement.
Listen for what’s important to them.
Listen for their sake.
Because when you do, you’ll discover something remarkable: real listening has the power to transform—not just the conversation, but the person you’re listening to.